"Do something fun"

Here I am at my girlfriend's apartment, (I'm not used to saying those words in that order, or even realizing their effects) whom I just got off the phone with, warming up last week's Cheesecake Factory 21st birthday (for her, not for me) Shepards Pie. "Do something fun," she said as she hung up the phone. What do I do for fun? I don't remember.

I don't know who's reading my blogs, if anyone does at all. But for the passed few weeks, I've been kind of down. I'm (practically) 23, I don't have a bachelor's let alone an associates in anything. I live in my parents house. I'm practically unemployed (teaching 7 year olds guitar isn't as profitable as you may think). And other than being awarded a credit card and increasing my credit limit I can't find one accomplishment I've made lately.

Life isn't always about accomplishments, it's about living. I don't feel like I'm living well. I don't have a major focus, unless there's high market for bartending-diagnosing-musicians out there who isn't well versed in either three anyway. I just see everyone else around me doing things, things that will (might) lead to better things. I don't see myself being successful in anyway.

I'm a boring bastard. I like to watch movies, play a few videogames (sorry, not really a gamer), eat, play music, listen to music, "enjoy a drink now and then" (I've been listening to nothing but Radiohead and dredg), and hang out with my lady. That's pretty much it.

[Continued on January 19th 2010]

I don't know anymore. It's like.. I can't explain it. I'm miserable. Absolutely miserable. I try not to let it show, but it's growing more and more each day.

I've been on a diet. Seriously this time. It's almost a vegetarian diet. I haven't eaten meat in 3 days. I'm also avoiding sugar and salt. I still consume thing (it's practically impossible for me not to) but I have them at such low amounts. If something naturally or is purchased with salt or sugar, I leave it be (some salads), but I will refuse to add anymore. I don't even put them on eggs or fries, I just pepper 'em. I also avoid oily foods like fries, but the diet isn't so intrusive where it Nazis what I eat, I merely pick and choose, and every so often I'll have a small amount of fries.

I'm also on a wallet diet. I don't spend any dime unless it's gas, bills, or emergencies. Which sucks, but these are the new rules for me. Hopefully if I do this well by the end of January I'll feel a lot better. Hopefully by sticking to my goals, saving my money, losing some weight, I'll feel better.

I'm still miserable, and I've been trying really hard to keep a stiff upper lip. You have no idea how many times I force a smile. Though some are genuine, but a good few are purged where I almost pass out from thi-- I don't know! I just almost pass out from trying to show happy. Maybe I am doomed to be a miserable piece of shit.

I'm bringing this to a close.