Dear !@#$%^&*,
Your confession is very touching and heart warming. It would be a complete lie if I told you I know what you're going through. I would also be a bigger asshole if i compared what you went through to someone else's predicament. This is what I have to say to you.
You need to find Jesus.
If you don't know my sense of humor by now let me inform you. That was a joke.
Your confession is terribly honest, and I'm really sorry you went through such a time. What really got me was that you understand that these actions you take aren't just hurtful, you seem to feel pitiful. Sex can be a very exquisite experience, but you seem to attach the taboo's society has placed on sex and hold them to heart.
It's unfortunate that you lost your virginity in such a horrifying way. I even remember speaking to you after it happened, you sounded proud. I don't know if you remember, but I was worried as fuck. We grow up in a time where if you keep your virginity when you're young, you're a prude and a bore, but when you're older you're revered and admired. The complete opposite for those of us who lost it early.
You then go and talk about your adventures with filling the void within yourself (not a euphemism). That was literally hard to read. My heart was throbbing, I was almost scared to continue. But you have to look at these events as a part of your past where you grow and learn from them. Everyone's got their demons and if we didn't have them we wouldn't learn what demons were.
You've developed habits or defenses that you shouldn't have. You shouldn't use sex as the reason to keep someone. Sex should be earned, planned, spontaneous, fun, and stress relieving. As for hooking-up, it's a biological need. Sex is in our programming as humans, as long as you practice it safely you should enjoy it. Hook-ups are a very popular practice nowadays so don't feel ashamed.
I can't speak for your current relationship. But if you hold these negative feelings about your relationship, it will fail. I can't guarantee it, but it can't help your relationship if you're using sex to keep it. It's possible to have sex in a loving and caring way (I call it thanksgiving). You're not boring or uninteresting. And you are special. I don't surround myself with boring people. I can't stand doing that, it aggravates me. So you are special. I'd give you a hug, but this is the internet, and that's almost impossible. I hope you read this and get something out of it. I tried to be vague-ish, not like anyone will tie this to you, but for anyone else who may need such words.
Bottom-line: you're unique, and you're still growing and learning. Don't beat yourself up for what you've done in your past, you'll get nowhere that way. You know I'm here for you, along with all your other close friends. So, to put it lightly. Quit being a whiny little bitch. ;)
Love, Yoel (the douche-bag) <3
