俺はヨスウェルです。 I am Yosswell

A Response to a Confession

2011-03-03T23:33:00.001-05:00

This is for someone special, but if you feel you can relate and this helps you, then it's for you too.

Dear !@#$%^&*,

Your confession is very touching and heart warming. It would be a complete lie if I told you I know what you're going through. I would also be a bigger asshole if i compared what you went through to someone else's predicament. This is what I have to say to you.

You need to find Jesus.

If you don't know my sense of humor by now let me inform you. That was a joke.

Your confession is terribly honest, and I'm really sorry you went through such a time. What really got me was that you understand that these actions you take aren't just hurtful, you seem to feel pitiful. Sex can be a very exquisite experience, but you seem to attach the taboo's society has placed on sex and hold them to heart.

It's unfortunate that you lost your virginity in such a horrifying way. I even remember speaking to you after it happened, you sounded proud. I don't know if you remember, but I was worried as fuck. We grow up in a time where if you keep your virginity when you're young, you're a prude and a bore, but when you're older you're revered and admired. The complete opposite for those of us who lost it early.

You then go and talk about your adventures with filling the void within yourself (not a euphemism). That was literally hard to read. My heart was throbbing, I was almost scared to continue. But you have to look at these events as a part of your past where you grow and learn from them. Everyone's got their demons and if we didn't have them we wouldn't learn what demons were.

You've developed habits or defenses that you shouldn't have. You shouldn't use sex as the reason to keep someone. Sex should be earned, planned, spontaneous, fun, and stress relieving. As for hooking-up, it's a biological need. Sex is in our programming as humans, as long as you practice it safely you should enjoy it. Hook-ups are a very popular practice nowadays so don't feel ashamed.

I can't speak for your current relationship. But if you hold these negative feelings about your relationship, it will fail. I can't guarantee it, but it can't help your relationship if you're using sex to keep it. It's possible to have sex in a loving and caring way (I call it thanksgiving). You're not boring or uninteresting. And you are special. I don't surround myself with boring people. I can't stand doing that, it aggravates me. So you are special. I'd give you a hug, but this is the internet, and that's almost impossible. I hope you read this and get something out of it. I tried to be vague-ish, not like anyone will tie this to you, but for anyone else who may need such words.

Bottom-line: you're unique, and you're still growing and learning. Don't beat yourself up for what you've done in your past, you'll get nowhere that way. You know I'm here for you, along with all your other close friends. So, to put it lightly. Quit being a whiny little bitch. ;)

Love, Yoel (the douche-bag) <3

What I've been up to..

2011-01-18T22:00:00.000-05:00

Hello reader,

As you've noticed. I haven't been around. If you decoded my secret message you'd also understand why. For those who haven't, or didn't want to bother, I lost something very important to me, and it's getting harder and harder to get back into rhythm.

Now don't be alarmed. I'm not going senile, or going to do or have been doing anything irrational. Besides my emotional and little bits of my mental frame, I'm perfectly alright. You wouldn't know anything was different about me unless you treaded into territory I don't allow anyone to enter.

Now some people, know what has happened. Thankfully, they've done nothing but been there for me, but unfortunately, I'm still stuck..

Lately, to try and distract myself, I've been trying to keep busy. But, for some reason, whether it's karma, nature or the God I've cast aside trying to fuck with me, I'm surrounded by so much of my loss.

I'm not even kidding, I know people find "meanings" and when you avoid something it rears it's ugly head since you'e hyper focused on avoiding it, but no. Everywhere, it's haunting me.

So yeah, I've been keeping busy. Volunteering my time for everyone and everything around me. Unfortunately, one thing I didn't count on, it all backed up on me. Now I have a huge of list of commitments I signed up for that I cannot commit to. What makes me laugh, is, that no one gets that I'm trying to distract myself. The world is so obsessed with itself that they can't see that something is wrong with me. I know I have my moments of selfishness. But, one thing I'm grateful for, is my reasoning. I made a vow to myself early last year to appreciate as many little things I could. I had appreciation for things that I not only took for granted, but that I merely didn't know was around me. Supporting me. Literally.

But the problem was.. that due to this new "hyper-sensitivity" to everything in my universe, when I lost what was important to me, I felt worse than I ever had.

The thing I lost, I've lost before. On times where I thought I would never get it back. But now, it's just breaking me. It's, dare I say it, tearing me apart.

So to the reader reading this now, tomorrow, next week, long after I've combined with the universe, please know. That everything, is the best thing, ever.

'Cause she always was.

Senses Fail - The Fire

2010-10-19T23:10:00.000-04:00

First Listen Through (October 19, 2010 11:09)

I don't like it.

Re-listening tomorrow

Couldn't get it any better than this

2010-10-09T17:45:00.000-04:00

Before I post this video, I want to say something. For anyone out there who is reading this. If it's you who are reading this. I'm not doing anything ridiculous with my life. I'm an open book and sometimes being an open book, your pages flutter, your words are jumbled. Every drop of rain, or coffee, or spit, or tear that drops within my pages and makes the ink blur and jumble my words. But one thing I have to admit is that this monologue hit the nail for me.

I don't want to ruin it, I really don't. But there's a part in the end where the character admits something. I want you, yes you, to know and under stand a few things.

I share sentiment with the character. But I am not that character. I'm not where that character is, and I don't think I would be able to be where he is. The character and myself share a lot, but we deviate and I am who I am while he is who he is. Why am I saying this. 'Cause the video I'm putting up isn't a reach. It's isn't a plea. It's a glimpse. It isn't me. But the words he says. Does a good job summing up my life from 2005 till early 2009.

Where I am now is funny. 'Cause this character could have been me. I feel more like shrapnel. A loose piece of metal from a bigger grenade. I feel as if I was tossed into the Pacific, when I was fished up in the Mediterranean. I'm lost. But don't worry. If you're worrying. I may be lost. But my heart isn't. And that is all that matters to me.

If you haven't read my previous entry, you didn't miss much, or maybe you did?

Why the fuck does Fred have a movie?

2010-10-08T22:28:00.002-04:00

Yea, I know, "How did you not know that there was a Fred movie?" Sorry
my life is a little to bland to realize this. From what I get Fred's
girlfriend moves away and he flips a bitch shit. I can only wonder why she
left it wouldn't be easy to live with a human being such as Fred. Maybe that's just
me but yeah, I hate that fucker. Christ. If you don't believe me
and you haven't seen it go here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUD6DjQCkuc . Not
my favorite way to spend money, but apparently you have to rent that horse filth.
life just got worse with people like Fred getting popular. There's no effort.
is this what we're reduced to? I mean shit.
just look at this film. At least his high squeak voice is out of the picture.
getting used to that is simply impossible. But what really makes this movie
worse. than how I made it seem is the fact that.. it's gonna make money.

Fuck
my
life.

New layout, new blog

2010-07-17T23:59:00.000-04:00

Hello. It's my Mum's and Bro's birthday today. Happy birthday to them.

So yeah, as you can see, new layout. For whoever is looking. Yep.

I'm planning a few blog projects, check it out:

Yoel's Top 10 Guitar Players of All Time.
This is a list of my top guitar players that just baffle me. This may be a vlog, but that depends on a lot. This project needs a lot of research so don't expect it anytime soon.

Yoel's Top 100 Guitar Players List.
Now this here is subject to change. I love guitar. Even though it isn't my favorite instrument it's one of my passions. It's a compiled list of my personal top 100 DESERVED guitarist who I believe deserve honorable mentions. The majority is all well known and all but still they deserve mention. Since this will be an extensive list I've decided to split my option on how to tackle this..

1)Dedicate a probably 100 days to write and display images and video about said guitar players prowess. Wrapping up with why I personally believe they deserve to be honored.

2) Do 10 Vlogs through the course of a year. The problem with this is that it takes more time to set up, and I wouldn't break that much of a sweat without an actual audience to present it to.

Why I hate religion faggots (ie: born-again Christians, Jehovah's Witnesses, Catholics, Evangelicals, Christians, Mormons)
Not trying to start a shit storm. I just don't like these people and I will be explaining why

That's it for now. Thank you.

Filler

2010-07-05T01:56:00.000-04:00

Didn't finish my new post so.. stalling time..

This is sometimes all I'm hearing when it comes to some of the music I hear. But no matter how "hard" or "rich" some of these rappers or pop stars are, this guy tells it like it is. You can't deny his rhymes and message. Be hypnotized!

Ok, I'm not going for a "bad white hip hop/rap" but this one's got what Tupac's been trying to saying for years! The worst part is, this is a real organization. Good luck, you dumb twats.

This man is a true Lothario. Get this guy a beer.

I apologize..

2010-06-25T22:31:00.000-04:00

..for my last post. The grammar (as brought to my attention by my lovely hunny) is horrendous. I make Tara Gilesbie's work look like a masterpiece. at least I was coherent.. ish. It was a post dedicated to my baby brother. No harm done anyway, only wha-- 3 people read my blog? So yeah. I've been pretty busy studying to be an EMT. Not easy stuff. Easier than being a physician, but still not easy shit.

Anyways, I going to post my next entry Friday. This time I'm going to do a couple of lists. Since I'm a big fan of High Fidelity I'm going to start a top 5 thing. I know I won't have EXACTLY 5 to pick, so if I have more there will be like a runner up situation. Who knows, I might do it on video (edit:not). So yeah. Cheers.

The Brotherhood _oel

2010-05-11T21:28:00.003-04:00

Weird weird week. I've got finals to study for that I'm barely studying for, Chapters to read that I've barely been reading and shit to buy without any income (well, my credit card is eating up every cent). But I'm keeping above water (barely) and turning to my loved ones for some motivation, especially my muse who's ignoring me to watch her show, but her laughter is uplifting.

It's the little nuggets in life..

No I'm not going soft, I wasn't that hard (that's what she said. ..wait). I'm just taking in a lot from life. I've been trying to slow everything down. Taking in every detail. Remembering why things are where they are, why important things are important. Then it hit me. I miss my brother.

He recently moved out so It's been weird without him. The relationship between my brother and myself isn't anything special compare to other siblings. I think if anything, it's typical. Two brothers who've fought since they were little have grown to understand and respect each other and occasionally have fun nights getting shit faced drunk while babbling bullshit philosophy, ways-of-life, and psychology (and beer, women and video games) is, on the surface, what we were.

My brother is roughly 3 years younger than myself. I have full conscious memory of when he first breathed air, kicked, and adorably yakked all over himself. He was a loud dreadful noise that could only be calmed with attention. I'd carry his smelly little ass everywhere not because I felt like a parent, or even because he was a baby and couldn't crawl fast enough for his prematurely developed legs (now the fucker towers over me, I wish I was premature :\). I carried him because I wanted to teach him everything I knew and wanted him to see everything I saw. I never considered myself highly advanced or developed, my girl can vouch for my stupidity. I can't (don't want to) go into it. Especially since it has nothing to do with anything right now.

I was never a thin dude, so the scrawny little guy he was, would poke at my portly self. Which one day ended with me knocking his tooth out with a pillow once. And let's not forget the months of playing Super Mario Bros. 3's arcade either. I'd play as Mario and he was Luigi and I whooped his pale ass into fits. (sigh) I miss those days.

We used to watch The Rescuers: Down Under, the sequel to the first, all the way till the VHS tape ran out. Since we had our volume set to high (without any disregard to neighbors or other tenants in out Brooklyn apartment. Bad Asses as we were) there would be nothing but loud static, which would scare the little bugger so much he got up and ran towards our parents room, this was before he could walk, or even stand properly.

What teaches babies to run, and fear!

I even remember the fictional hamster story. How one day, the first floor tenant came up to our home and gave us a hamster, a hamster my brother then flushed down the toilet. A complete and utter lie. But I would tell him this every time, trying really hard to sell that story. He may deny he believed it, but I know he did.

I could go and embarrass him more, but that would just be hitting below the belt. So I'll leave it to the tame shit for now.

(ahem) Mama's boy..

When we moved to our new town in Long Island, NY, he started a little paint ball platoon. I never really caught on, but I knew they'd have weekly matches and tournaments in this beloved town's Alan Diesel's backyard.

Alan Diesel. Local Hero, Part-Time Gynecologist and Chuck Norris wrangler

I don't want to toot anyone's horn (that and it's not sanitary) but my kid brother was creepy good at it. Ha, I totally forgot I photo shopped that Alan Diesel picture. Though I didn't edit this one, I did take the picture.

Alan Diesel doesn't walk into trouble, he is trouble

When I was going through my down moments and had drunken fights where we pummeled each other. He still forgave me. The jerk that I was and he forgave me. I don't think it's because we're brothers, but mostly cause he also understood what I was going through. I'll never forgive myself for it, but I'm glad that I can be forgiven for it. My human error was animalistic, I'm happy that I've been able to rid that side of myself.

Picture of the distant future or date fail?

He has grown up into a man of taste, who does what he pleases and enjoys every second he can. One thing that I think rubbed off on me was his ability to not give a shit, about relatively anything. He does have feelings for things and cares for people obviously. But there was this maverick attitude about how he decides to live his life and interact with people. But let me make somethings clear. He's not a bad ass. He's not a jerk. He's not a fool nor can he be linked to one. He's not inconsiderate (entirely). He's not a hating or jealous individual. And he's not petty, unreliable or (entirely) useless. He is hard headed, stubborn, short-tempered, snarky, narcissistic, humorous, forgiving, thoughtful, reliable, incorrigible, hopeful, sensitive, and..

Main Entry: ¹jerk

Pronunciation: \ˈjərk\

Function: noun

possibly the biggest jerk I've met besides myself. Noel, you're such an asshole, and I miss you.

I miss you Jerk <3. And I'm keeping your TV;)

This guy.. is un-fucking-believable!

Keep on moving

2010-04-27T21:37:00.000-04:00

I haven't gotten anything done. I'm kind of happy I have no audience here 'cause then I would have been pressured. He's the skinny..

I want to do the beer blog but here's the problem, no beer. Well the beer exists it's just that I don't make even enough money to enjoy beer, sad right? Now this isn't a call for money, I've just got caught up with bills and work has been slow, so sorry.

Music is taking a new turn. I originally had a kind of "schematic" as to how I was going to approach my music with my band. But lately things have changed and we're taking it quite slow. I still plan on working really hard though, and I'm hoping for to have at the least 3 songs by September. Originals that is.

As for shows, that's still under wait. Going to preform a private party (for bassist Nick of my band and of Level 9). Going to have either pictures or footage. Any shows after I have no idea. Sorry again.

So Mars: I don't know what has happened to this project. I unfortunately haven't been able to keep contact with them and they haven't with me because of my phone situation. Going to email them throughout the week and see what's going on with that.

Guitar projects: I don't have any pictures of the progress yet neither on my Iceman or on the '72 Tele Thinline I'm constructing with Warmoth. That's strictly do to lack of money.

I've been doing mediocre lately with my personal life. I've lost my temper today actually but luckily it was short fused. I'm actually on the toilet right now, but I figured I'd get one update in. My new goal is to have one update a week. Let's see how that goes, hopefully I'll have what it takes to keep it going.

What keeps me going

Cheers

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li part 01

2010-04-08T12:21:00.000-04:00

FUCK THIS MOVIE! FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT!

SHE DOESN'T LOOK THE PART!

SHE CAN BARELY SPEAK MANDARIN!

IT'S ALL DOWN PLAYED AND STUPID!

More when I actually finish the movie..

I love Alex/St.Patty's day revenge

2010-03-29T17:14:00.000-04:00

So I finished watching Gundam Wing and while talking to Alex..

Yosswell says (4:02 PM):
Quatre
?
Alex says (4:02 PM):
ya...
Yosswell says (4:03 PM):
he was the sympathetic one
Alex says (4:03 PM):
he was a fruit cake

Haha.

So yeah, I'm to Chili's with a few friends to celebrate St. Patty's Day since we couldn't 2 weeks ago, should be interesting. Going to start my blog-o-beer, the night of, if I'm not to toasted, goo'day mates.

Introduction to Beer Blog/First Entry Postponed

2010-03-18T00:24:00.001-04:00

Happy St. Patrick's day to all you Irish and celebrators alike. I am not of Irish decent, but what an interesting holiday this is, eh? Now here's the skinny..

Unfortunately for me, I've come down with an illness which my allergies have not helped in any way. The blog would have entitled I go to a pub (or purchase the beer), give some history on it, taste it (if I haven't already) and give some of my personal views on it. As you can tell, this is more like a field journal, not really meant for entertainment. I'd like it if anyone (heh) out there has tried it to give me their opinions on the beer, or to go out and try the beer for themselves. I don't advertise my blog and, as much as I need it, I'm not doing this for money. I love beer, and I want to share my love for beer. I love music too, but it seems there's too much opinion on music as well (though I occasionally would review a CD or two). So, why am I postponing this? My ailment makes everything I taste taste like cardboard and mucus. So I won't really enjoy the beer nor use my tongue to search out any specific characteristic (if I could) about the beer. So what I'm going to do is this..

Next week (hopefully I'll be at my finest) I'm going to have a small get together with my closest friends and buy 3 cases of the beer of my choosing (obviously of an Irish brand). And we're all going to give each a taste and then I'll post our "reviews' onto here. Again I know no one is reading, this is for myself, my friends and anyone interested. Thank you.

Cheers.

Update: I just taste the beer, in case I could enjoy anything and.. nothing, sorry.

Update 2: I'm going to call my event "St. Patty's Revenge" more on it later.

Migraine prevents sleep, Nasal Congestion is the culprit

2010-03-16T00:28:00.000-04:00

(thanks to spillmagazine.com)

Currently listening to Ohbijou - Beacons

It's late, i got very little very little work done, these past couple of weeks have been.. awkward.

I haven't played music to sleep, but I'm currently in a position where it is hard to. So I decided to play this while I try and rest.

My phone has been deactivated, so for anyone who's been trying to reach me I'm sorry, I'll have it running soon.

A lot of thoughts floating in my head, I don't know how to pour them out (without making a mess).

I'm trying to change and adjust myself. I don't mean to be a different person, but to better my mannerism. For me, your life is like a skill, it takes practice to hone it to your liking. Improve your worst aspects and maintain your best.

Getting my beer blog ready, should be a nice thing to do (hobby wise) I rarely drink anymore. Nothing wrong or anything, but I just kind of lost interest. I enjoy one now and then, but I don't really have the time like I used to. I'm kind of running out of time on something specifically, and I'm trying to not just enjoy it, but make every moment last a lifetime. I don't want to get into it any further than that.

Just.

Hold on to everything that meant anything to you, until it doesn't want to be held onto anymore.

Cherish it.

Cheers.

The funny thing about everything..

2010-02-28T22:48:00.000-05:00

..and anything is that you're (for all extensive purposes, anything referring or pertaining to "you" isn't direct at you or anyone. It's passive in the sense that it can be related to anyone. For example, if I were to state, "You are never doing anything," I am meaning, anyone is never doing anything. I'm being broad, I hope this helps. Oh! And FYI, I'm mostly talking about myself, mostly) always learning. You're never the best at what you're doing nor are you any good. What are you then? What are doing then?

Dodging bullets.

You can be absolutely amazing and something and still mess it, it happens everyday. I have a kind of "idea" of how life works. Some may call it a philosophy. I'm going to make it as simple as possible for anyone to understand:

Things are always happening because of other things.

That's it. I could go into huge depth and detail and give tons of description with charts, maps confessions the whole shebang! And you could say, "well that's obvious!" But it gets more complicated than tha--

wait.. this wasn't my intention for this entry. Another time.

I've realized I'm always learning something. Whether new or something I already knew. One can blame the years of abuse with alcohol, or plain Ole "You're a fucking idiot" (by the way, that hurts), but it happens all the time. I've been lucky with everything I've done in my entire life. I don't mean I have luck, I mean I've had opportunities that due to forces within my control or not, where things have been pretty good. But I've gone through a hell of a lot of bullshit too. You take the good, you take the bad (you take 'em both and there you have the facts of life).

I don't know what I'm saying anymore. Constant edits, re-thoughts, and working on my mom's computer has left me numb. I guess what I'm trying to say is..

That no matter how much I mess up and fuck up, and do things that hurt or upset you, I promise you they're not on purpose. I don't have any excuses for my inability to express certain things, ideas, or feelings, I just want you to know that I'm still trying..

..Pat Morita, I'm still trying. You've been nothing but an inspiration to me, and I just want you to know that I miss you.

(Image from http://www.fairfielddowntown.com)
RIP
Noriyuki "Pat" Morita
June 28, 1932 – November 24, 2005

Brixton: Somber

2010-02-24T13:21:00.001-05:00

This is totally my new hat. Brixton just released their spring wear and this is the one I like most. It's similar to my Castor hat from Brixton, only rugged and cozy looking. This is totally mine in a month or two..

Or maybe this one..

(Images belong to Brixton )

The Beer Blog

2010-02-21T18:39:00.002-05:00

I've decided to actually come up with something interesting, I'm going to start a beer blog.
This blog will document my journey and education through the world that is beer. I'm (currently) not an alcoholic, I just enjoy this beverage to the degree where I want to learn more about it and share with the public my spoils. I am aware that there's too many beers out there with microbreweries everywhere. This isn't a toll. I'm not out to "Catch 'em all!" I also want to note that I am no authority. I just drink the stuff, and I know what I like. With this said I will start this blog with my all time favourite commercial beer. I will post the first blog on St. Patty's day. Keep in mind also that this is actually starting as a physical representation of a journal and I'm going to port the information onto the blog. If I can find a sort of "grouping" system on blogger, to group all the beer blogs together then I'll keep it here and hopefully won't have to start another blog. See ya.

Edit: Whoa, after publishing the post, I ran a spell check and I didn't get a single word wrong. Win.

Edit: Grammmar.Fail.Corrected.

So yeah..

2010-02-09T21:54:00.000-05:00

I don't really know what's going on with the shirts. The director kind of flaked out on me. (Never called when inspection time came, or showed up). I also don't feel entitled to show off anything that aren't going to end up nor that I own full rights to. But if these become shirts of any sort I'll just release the info. Had band practice today. No class tomorrow. Going to stay home and read/organize. More later, not really in the mood... Who cares.

A month later and still not getting it right..

2010-02-01T21:43:00.000-05:00

It's Feb-First and I haven't done ANYTHING right. I keep getting annoyed at nothing. Which only screws me over 'cause when I'm really annoyed at something, I kinda get shrugged off.

Some good news (slightly). Recently I teamed up with an old High School friend to design T-shirts for his clothing line. He has a Hip-Hop/Rock group called 808 (eight-oh-eight), and they're pretty good. If anyone out there is reading this. I'll post a link of the band and some of the rough sketches and design on here when I can.

2010-01-19T22:16:00.001-05:00

Sweet it works.

2010-01-19T22:13:00.001-05:00

This is a test of blogging from my mobile.

"Do something fun"

2010-01-12T13:55:00.001-05:00

Here I am at my girlfriend's apartment, (I'm not used to saying those words in that order, or even realizing their effects) whom I just got off the phone with, warming up last week's Cheesecake Factory 21st birthday (for her, not for me) Shepards Pie. "Do something fun," she said as she hung up the phone. What do I do for fun? I don't remember.

I don't know who's reading my blogs, if anyone does at all. But for the passed few weeks, I've been kind of down. I'm (practically) 23, I don't have a bachelor's let alone an associates in anything. I live in my parents house. I'm practically unemployed (teaching 7 year olds guitar isn't as profitable as you may think). And other than being awarded a credit card and increasing my credit limit I can't find one accomplishment I've made lately.

Life isn't always about accomplishments, it's about living. I don't feel like I'm living well. I don't have a major focus, unless there's high market for bartending-diagnosing-musicians out there who isn't well versed in either three anyway. I just see everyone else around me doing things, things that will (might) lead to better things. I don't see myself being successful in anyway.

I'm a boring bastard. I like to watch movies, play a few videogames (sorry, not really a gamer), eat, play music, listen to music, "enjoy a drink now and then" (I've been listening to nothing but Radiohead and dredg), and hang out with my lady. That's pretty much it.

[Continued on January 19th 2010]

I don't know anymore. It's like.. I can't explain it. I'm miserable. Absolutely miserable. I try not to let it show, but it's growing more and more each day.

I've been on a diet. Seriously this time. It's almost a vegetarian diet. I haven't eaten meat in 3 days. I'm also avoiding sugar and salt. I still consume thing (it's practically impossible for me not to) but I have them at such low amounts. If something naturally or is purchased with salt or sugar, I leave it be (some salads), but I will refuse to add anymore. I don't even put them on eggs or fries, I just pepper 'em. I also avoid oily foods like fries, but the diet isn't so intrusive where it Nazis what I eat, I merely pick and choose, and every so often I'll have a small amount of fries.

I'm also on a wallet diet. I don't spend any dime unless it's gas, bills, or emergencies. Which sucks, but these are the new rules for me. Hopefully if I do this well by the end of January I'll feel a lot better. Hopefully by sticking to my goals, saving my money, losing some weight, I'll feel better.

I'm still miserable, and I've been trying really hard to keep a stiff upper lip. You have no idea how many times I force a smile. Though some are genuine, but a good few are purged where I almost pass out from thi-- I don't know! I just almost pass out from trying to show happy. Maybe I am doomed to be a miserable piece of shit.

I'm bringing this to a close.

Twilight: New Moon

2010-01-04T04:30:00.001-05:00

What the fuck people, seriously? This is a movie?
I gave it a fair shot (I'm serous). This is a movie to you people!?
And I like shitty movies. This is horrendous.

Welcome 2010

2010-01-01T02:54:00.000-05:00

So it's New Year's and I'm having a shitty one. Pretty much boring, nothing to do, sit around and do noting situation. I got no money, so I'm stuck at home, not to mentioned it snowed randomly in the night. It's 1:something, it's the new year and my girl signs online from her house and says,
"The sky decided to wake up and cum allover, and made sure it had to be be stiff cum, so that it'll stick, and make it extra hard for the windshield wipers to flick it off."

I still don't know how to react to that.

Happy New Year
(Christ 2009 sucked)

You all knew it was coming

2009-11-27T23:08:00.000-05:00

Imagine There Is No Heaven

2009-10-29T04:00:00.000-04:00

This is an essay written by Salman Rushdie, I've recently (thanks to dredg, Religulous, and a few other sites and word of mouth conversations) been interesed in some of his work. His opinions don't reflect my feelings 100%, but just about share a similar understanding. Make of it what you will, I will not discuss this with anyone. I'm simply sharing.

Dear little Six Billionth Living Person: As one of the newest members of a notoriously inquisitive species, it probably won't be too long before you start asking the two $64,000 questions with which the other 5,999,999,999 of us have been wrestling for some time:

How did we get here? And, now that we are here, how shall we live?

Oddly - as if six billion of us weren't enough to be going on with - it will almost certainly be suggested to you that the answer to the question of origins requires you to believe in the existence of a further, invisible, ineffable Being "somewhere up there", an omnipotent creator whom we poor limited creatures are unable even to perceive, much less to understand. That is, you will be strongly encouraged to imagine a heaven, with at least one god in residence.

This sky god, it's said, made the universe by churning its matter in a giant pot. Or, he danced. Or, he vomited Creation out of himself. Or, he simply called it into being, and lo, it Was. In some of the more interesting creation stories, the single mighty sky god is subdivided into many lesser forces - junior deities, avatars, gigantic metamorphic "ancestors" whose adventures create the landscape, or the whimsical, wanton, meddling, cruel pantheons of the great polytheisms, whose wild doings will convince you that the real engine of creation was lust: for infinite power, for too easily broken human bodies, for clouds of glory. But it's only fair to add that there are also stories which offer the message that the primary creative impulse was, and is, love.

Many of these stories will strike you as extremely beautiful, and therefore seductive. Unfortunately, however, you will not be required to make a purely literary response to them. Only the stories of dead religions can be appreciated for their beauty. Living religions require much more of you. So you will be told that belief in "your" stories, and adherence to the rituals of worship that have grown up around them, must become a vital part of your life in the crowded world. They will be called the heart of your culture, even of your individual identity.

It is possible that they may at some point come to feel inescapable, not in the way that the truth is inescapable, but in the way that a jail is. They may at some point cease to feel like the texts in which human beings have tried to solve a great mystery, and feel, instead, like the pretexts for other properly anointed human beings to order you around. And it's true that human history is full of the public oppression wrought by the charioteers of the gods. In the opinion of religious people, however, the private comfort that religion brings more than compensates for the evil done in its name.

As human knowledge has grown, it has also become plain that every religious story ever told about how we got here is quite simply wrong. This, finally, is what all religions have in common. They didn't get it right. There was no celestial churning, no maker's dance, no vomiting of galaxies, no snake or kangaroo ancestors, no Valhalla, no Olympus, no six-day conjuring trick followed by a day of rest. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

But here's something genuinely odd. The wrongness of the sacred tales hasn't lessened the zeal of the devout in the least. If anything, the sheer out-of-step zaniness of religion leads the religious to insist ever more stridently on the importance of blind faith.

As a result of this faith, by the way, it has proved impossible, in many parts of the world, to prevent the human race's numbers from swelling alarmingly. Blame the overcrowded planet at least partly on the misguidedness of the race's spiritual guides. In your own lifetime, you may well witness the arrival of the nine billionth world citizen.

(If too many people are being born as a result, in part, of religious strictures against birth control, then too many people are also dying because religious culture, by refusing to face the facts of human sexuality, also refuses to fight against the spread of sexually transmitted diseases.)

There are those who say that the great wars of the new century will once again be wars of religion, jihads and crusades, as they were in the middle ages. I don't believe them, or not in the way they mean it. Take a took at the Muslim world, or rather the Islamist world, to use the word coined to describe Islam's present-day "political arm". The divisions between its great powers (Afghanistan vs lran vs Iraq vs Saudi Arabia vs Syria vs Egypt) are what strike you most forcefully. There's very little resembling a common purpose. Even after the non-Islamic Nato fought a war for the Muslim Kosovan Albanians, the Muslim world was slow in coming forward with much-needed humanitarian aid.

The real wars of religion are the wars religions unleash against ordinary citizens within their "sphere of influence". They are wars of the godly against the largely defenceless - American fundamentalists against pro-choice doctors, Iranian mullahs against their country's Jewish minority, Hindu fundamentalists in Bombay against that city's increasingly fearful Muslims.

The victors in that war must not be the closed-minded, marching into battle with, as ever, God on their side. To choose unbelief is to choose mind over dogma, to trust in our humanity instead of all these dangerous divinities. So, how did we get here? Don't look for the answer in storybooks. Imperfect human knowledge may be a bumpy, pot-holed street, but it's the only road to wisdom worth taking. Virgil, who believed that the apiarist Aristaeus could spon taneously generate new bees from the rotting carcass of a cow, was closer to a truth about origins than all the revered old books.

The ancient wisdoms are modern nonsenses. Live in your own time, use what we know, and as you grow up, perhaps the human race will finally grow up with you, and put aside childish things.

As the song says, "It's easy if you try."

As for mortality, the second great question - how to live? What is right action, and what wrong? - it comes down to your willingness to think for yourself. Only you can decide if you want to be handed down the law by priests, and accept that good and evil are somehow external to ourselves. To my mind religion, even at its most sophisticated, essentially infantilises our ethical selves by setting infallible moral Arbiters and irredeemably immoral Tempters above us: the eternal parents, good and bad, light and dark, of the supernatural realm.

How, then, are we to make ethical choices without a divine rulebook or judge? Is unbelief just the first step on the long slide into the brain death of cultural relativism, according to which many unbearable things - female circumcision, to name just one - can be excused on culturally specific grounds, and the universality of human rights, too, can be ignored? (This last piece of moral unmaking finds supporters in some of the world's most authoritarian regimes, and also, unnervingly, on the editorial page of the Daily Telegraph.)

Well, no, it isn't, but the reasons for saying so aren't clear-cut. Only hard-line ideology is clear-cut. Freedom, which is the word I use for the secular-ethical position, is inevitably fuzzier. Yes, freedom is that space in which contradiction can reign, it is a never-ending debate. It is not in itself the answer to the question of morals, but the conversation about that question. And it is much more than mere relativism, because it is not merely a never-ending talk show, but a place in which choices are made, values defined and defended. Intellectual freedom, in European history, has mostly meant freedom from the restraints of the Church, not the state.

This is the battle Voltaire was fighting, and it's also what all six billion of us could do for ourselves, the revolution in which each of us could play our small, six-billionth part: once and for all we could refuse to allow priests, and the fictions on whose behalf they claim to speak, to be the policemen of our liberties and behaviour. Once and for all we could put the stories back into the books, put the books back on the shelves, and see the world undogmatised and plain.

Imagine there's no heaven, my dear Six Billionth, and at once the sky's the limit.

Why this over MySpace and Facebook..

2009-09-18T17:21:00.004-04:00

I've always been one to jot down my ideas and emotions down on paper, or blog about it, or whatever. I don't really like or even enjoy the glamor and hype that is MySpace and Facebook. When MySpace first launched, I was intrigued, but what sold me was the music aspect and the blogging. But nowadays everyone has a music page or no one gives two shits about blogs anyway.

When Facebook became the new toy everyone was ecstatic. I always felt that I didn't belong in the whole "social networking" hype, I mean, I listen to music, I enjoy talking to people, but that isn't my life.

Or maybe I'm just trying to hard to be the rebel, to fight against the norm.

Which can't be the case, 'cause I blog.

So why is it really that I don't reside on Facebook and have abandoned MySpace? I log on to check messages but that's what eMail was for, and yes I still do that lower case "e" juxtaposed to "Mail." I'm from the 90's (which isn't saying much), 56K was the tone of the birth of this new digital age. That sound still brings warm fuzzy feelings of signing on late at night, customizing my first website at the age of 12 (Maxpages?) given half of the content was Pokémon related (Pikachu and I go back.. Mine was named Piko, he liked to write with crayons). I'M OFF TOPIC!

I just don't feel comfortable. I will not lie, a good chunk of time is spent on the computer, but I'm not hitting the refresh button (Ctrl+R, F5, the 'Home' link) every 5 minutes on my MySpace page. The only time I did that was 'cause I was anxious for a response from this dude in Hicksville to wanted to be my band's bassist, he turned me down in case you were wondering.

Here, it's kind of fun.

Still some red tape, but I do what I want, and it's simple, which is why I liked Xanga until it became another MySpace doppelgänger.

I will stay here until I start working on my website, which will be my final move around the Internet for a permanent residence.

I guess we all just want our little corner so people can stop by, have a cup of coffee and chat.

I don't have time for video games

2009-05-04T14:44:00.000-04:00

And it truly blows.

Whatever this is #01

2009-04-07T15:01:00.006-04:00

Maybe it's my age, maybe it's not.

I was slightly eager this afternoon to come on here and write about my ideas and experiences about flatulence. Yes I know, I am in 5th grade. But then, I don't know what happened, I didn't. I opened the tab on my Google Chrome, typed in "b-l-o," selected the blogger site and voila, here I am. How do you spell "Voila"? actually? According to Google it's misspelled. I know it's French word.. right? I'm not in the mood to educate myself today on French clichés. Is "cliché" French? Shit, now I probably am.

I realized that I'm in a point in my life where I'm not happy, but it's ok. Anyone can vouch for me, I live for me. I live about me. I-- I just don't know anymore.

The reason this is titled "Whatever this is #01" is because I've realized that I have these moments a lot. I have a journal too, but, I just bundle it up with my vulnerabilities. Some may say that I don't need to have 2-3 blogs/journals. But they all exist for a reason.

One of my blogs is for my close friends, which will soon end for the number of my close friends are dwindling to a number where a blog isn't necessary to share my experiences.

My MySpace blog was kind of like this, but it closes me off, I don't know. Something about it feels restricting, and exposing. There's only so much I want to expose of myself.

As I mentioned there's my Journal. I love that thing. It's where I return to myself, who I know I am. I don't feel comfortable being myself around anyone, even my closest friends. I mean there are moments there, but, eh, what can I say?

This blog is freedom. Something about this feels me. I don't get why.

I am aspiring to be a physician. I don't know exactly what field to specialize in. That'll come to me I suppose, one day.

I'd like to take the time to discuss my personal relationship life..

Sick or Same?

2009-03-04T11:17:00.005-05:00

Meh, I'm sick. It sucks the big one, and sucks it well. I haven't been sick since December, I thought I'd be fine, but I guess one should really read the warning labels when shooting crack off of a Samoan man whore's penal crevasse.

The weird part about it is it get's worse as time passes. Usually there's a schedule..
Day 1: Sore throat, possible coughing, light headed.

Day 2: Continuing from a preceding night of a slight possible fever and cold shivers, I wake up with a temperature of 101 and a runny nose like a broken dike (or dyke , if you get the metaphor), Eyes are watery, sore throat proceeds, and loss of ambition to do anything.

Day 3: 75% of symptoms clear up, temperature returns to 98.6.

Day 4 and on: For about 2 weeks I have a stuffy nose and a sore throat but can function and I finally learn to appreciate breathing until the process happens again a year or 2 later.

I'm relatively always healthy, other than emotional baggage (treatment: nightly dosage of about 6 ounces if scotch, divided in thirds within an hour and a full nights sleep), but it's only been 3 months, and this cold is weird. Since I'm studying medicine I've been trying to diagnose myself. So far, it's the common cold. Possibly a different strand of bacteria is the culprit, or who knows. It sucks, I can't function well, and I plain old don't like it!

I went to see Stephen Lynch's Three Balloons show in Wilbur Theatre in Boston MA. Always entertaining. He brought back some goldies like, "Special", "Grandpa", and the famous "Little Gay Robot." A lot of the final act was repeated from his previous tours, but it never gets boring. Besides his typical scoffing at the audience, guitar and singing, and random banter, there was use of a projector which aired small clips he directed for the tour as "ice breakers" or "intermissions" NO more than a few minutes long, it was different. Possibly utilized before, like on The Chappelle Show, or Important Things with Demetri Martin, but to use it as a prop for a tour, was brilliant.

Ok, I'm taking a nap, I'm not in the mood to do anymore. More on shit later. Fuck off.

The Fray - The Fray Review

2009-02-22T23:40:00.001-05:00

The Fray released their new self-titled album February 3rd.

No instead of studying for my AbPsych exam like I should I'm going to toss back a beer and write this review (I need to do something else besides reading the same chapter over and over again to drill it in my mind, I did fine at first but after a few hours, one falls asleep.)

I've taken this long to type up the review because I was actually doing nothing but saturating myself in this album. At first, it was for the sole task to type up this review, but then, it became another article of clothing. I put on my shoes, jacket, hat, and this album. I've heard the same tracks over and over again, they still feel new (except 'You Found Me', for the fact that it was released months before the album was). This album was my wake up and me good night. It's not a fantastically brilliant, genius, adventure of an album. It's just a very good humble CD, which can be eaten with ketchup or as is, you can listen to it for a good listen or to help deflect your personal issues and soundtrack your life.

How should I do this? I don't want to bore anyone who might want to read this and do a full biopsy, track by track. I guess I'll do it the, "New York Times" way, or the "Paper" way, as if I was writing a paper for class.

Another thing, should I do this professionally or personally? I suppose I could be clever and make it professionally personal, but after tossing back a few vodka-tonics and 2 beers I'm a little too smooth to be taken rigid.

When I purchased The Fray's new album I went ahead and got their "premium-super-package-deluxe-o-max" release, with 4-5 digital bootlegs, a DVD, 4 postcards, and the album. I was a huge fan of their first (which I still need to repurchase due to carelessness) so I pretty much took a chance. I don't normally take purchase risks like that if it isn't Jason Mraz or Senses Fail (as everyone knows I' a huge fan of), since they have proven to me worth their effort. Something though, encourage me to just get the bundle, so I did. Without thinking twice, it arrives Feb 4th (probably 'cause I ordered the album late), the box itself is impressive. I'd supply a photograph, but I unfortunately haven't purchased that camera I've been trying to save up for.

I first watched the DVD (since I figured it was probably either a documentary of the album or footage of their past shows since this album is too new to be recorded), low and behold it was a documentary. Now this was weird, the documentary itself provided a sort of preface, or a kind of foreshadowing to how this album will feel, it's this overwhelming presence that exists while watching these dudes do what they do, and then hearing their finished product. You almost feel as proud as they do. This may have given me a biased opinion on the album but I don't care.

A few tracks are pretty personal, especially one written for his mother (or/and grandmother?) titled "Enough for Now," it's pretty fantastic, especially the way the chorus is sang, the elements in the background fills out well. What I love most is that it's a piano heavy song leave the singer [Isaac] to give that feel that it's mainly coming from him, not the band itself. Whether the song was written before the subject matter, it was still his to direct towards it.

My personal favourites are "Never Say Never," and "Ungodly Hour." What was weird about "Never Say Never" was actually listening to it next to someone I personally attached this track to. "Ungodly Hour" was the same, listening to it next to her gave that same, personal haunting effect, but overall, it's the track I relate to most regardless. It's my "Vienna" from How to Save a Life. I can honestly listen to this song anytime, I could never get tired of it, in fact, personally I wish it was longer, and that it went through more different phases, but the song is overall brilliant.

Musically it's pretty top notch. The drums aren't anything significant, neither are the guitars, but they do their job to do just what's needed, sometimes less is more, but this is not the case. The case was, from what I believe, is that they were completely satisfied with it, they felt that they could do nothing else to it and it was it. Which is absolutely fine. Personally I could definitely see more percussion and guitar going on. The piano is fine, especially with this type of music. I felt it did it's job over all, simple and clean. With a few tracks you could even hear how raw the recording was done. I love that, it felt homier and not too synthesized. "We Build Then We Break" is a fantastic album that actually demonstrate the strength all instruments have. I think it's totally fine in every aspect, with that harsh "industrial" feel, well executed.

The album is pretty good. It doesn't bore, it's soothing, exciting, smiling and crying. Give it a shot, well worth a listen.

I'm just a poser.

2006-05-12T10:46:00.000-04:00

I won't lie, the reason I decided to become a musician, a song writer was because it sounded like a cool idea. I was what? 15, when I started my band Yggdrasil. Everyone bitched about the name, but I didn't care. Later I found a small significance to it, and grew greatly attatched. Any name know is obsolete. I even created a symbol that everyone bitched was the Mitsubishi emblem. It's the holy trinity only upside down to form the letter "Y" in "Yggdrasil" That's all. All of tough times started with the band.

I am a song writer, musician now because I have grew up, and I have things to say. I'm meerly, what? 19? And I feel like I have alot to say. Not about me though. I'm a person who loves to stand out, but hates being critisized, it's rediculous really, I'm starting to get over it. I have tons of things that bother me and alot of people don't agree. It's funny because I'm told I'm talented, I'm charming, I'm great. But in reality I'm not. And no, not everyone reveers me so, for example my ex started spreading that I have "a disease" along with a few mis informed miscreants, as I'll call them. And what sucks, is that people are also reveering me 'cause I'm not upset about it. Stupid half the shit I do.

I have this.. complex, that I have to be up on top, I have to be number 1, and that everyone should know it, why? I started thinking about it. Mostly 'cause I never really got the attention I wanted as a child, in school or at home. But I've grown up from that. at least now I'll admit I feel so. Some call it a superiority complex, I'm not going to go research this for the sake of this blog.

I started this blog just so I can comment and a fellow musician/song writer's blog, (Buddy=Senses Fail). No I do not know him. But after reading what he posted. Damn. That's some intensity, I look at him as a stronger person now for doing what he did. He fought hard to stay strong. Which is what I believe. That we should just fight a little harder for what needs to be accomplished. I don't know I could be talking out of my ass.

-Yoss